Right now I am in the process of reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle.. It's a great inspiring and conscious book that pushes me to be a little more open and pleasant with life after every reading.. Because although mothering has brought me my happiest days yet, it has found my energy for anything other than Giselle, well lets say, a bit more compromised ;)Juggling parenthood for both parents is a work of art. And although one part of me, the one totally focused on Giselle bell is totally at peace, in the moment and full of joy, the other part of me, the whole rest of my every day self, is tired, sometimes cranky and quick to start tallying a naughty and nice list.
This is one time when the best of me in the midst of the tenth argument of the day has the hardest time letting go of my pride, giving in and god forbid being wrong.. And please know the arguments are nit picky and petty, but it's the stress of juggling the whole new life together that I think gets to us both at times, sometimes many times a day! So here I am reading my Eckart Tolle and basking in motherhood and then the next thing you know, WHAM!, I'm hit with my tallying ego going, 'Are you kidding me, he's leaving another batch of dishes sitting there for you know who to clean up!' Uchk!! But the thing is we are both working so hard and it's not meant to be tallied. Ideally, and I'm saying ideally, it should come from a place of unconditional love.. This is the uphill battle within my own brain that I am trying to instill on a moment to moment basis.. Because I feel when you lose the patience, you lose the passion..
It's hard enough to integrate a new baby, new schedule, new every thing.. You name it.. But it's so crucial (and so hard) to keep those embers burning in the midst of it all.. I don't have the answer, just sharing my observation.. When I feel my temper rising I just try to bring back into perspective, he is my love, my partner and the best father working so hard.. Not my enemy.. As much as my ego would love to rope him up for being sometimes! ;) I've heard so many times, 'The first year is the hardest' and yes, it's not easy.. But our light at the end of the tunnel is definitely our sweet girl. All either of us has to do is look at her to be brought back to into our hearts. And it's a paradox because although it's not easy, in some weird way it is.. It's natural, it evolves and we grow together through it all trial by error.
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I really love your writing! As I read your posts, I find myself having flashbacks to those first months. What a test they were! But I tell you, the trying times didn't magically end when either of the kids turned 1 years old. I love my children and Mike to death and cannot imagine life without them- but there are times when I'm at my wit's end and think I will go mad... and you know what- that is okay and normal. Mike and I were married for 8 years before Peyton, our princess, came into our lives. We fought here and there- but hands down, we fought more the first year she was with us than the 8 years prior. Before kids, your time was your time. You had no responsibilities really to anyone else. You had so much free time that it didn't really bother you if you did a little more of the cleaning, errands, etc. But now with the baby, your free time doesn't exist anymore- every minute is precious and now is when the tallying begins. It doesn't make it right- it just is what it is. With time, you'll find ways to better work through frustrations (and it sounds like you are doing an awesome job) plus, with sleep deprivation, everything is so much more intense. Plus, it looks like you are nursing. While it is the most wonderful thing you can share with your child, it is so demanding. Unless, someone has actually breastfed before, they have no idea the stress your body is under. Anyways- I'm going all over the place in random thoughts (probably because it is past my bedtime.) The point is- you are doing great and you will have highs and lows- be okay with that. You are doing such a great job with your writing, with everything on your plate. I just want to say that you seemed to have grown so much with the birth of Giselle- what a gift she has given you! Today, Peyton and I were looking at pictures of her from 3 years ago. I loved looking at them, but was sad too because she has changed so much and I will never have those moments back. Just take in every day and moment that you can!!!
Love, Cousin Marcia
Thank you Marcia!! You are such an amazing Mother, Wife and Woman.. I appreciate so much your perspective and kind words.. I love to know that you understand.. Its funny, it's like a mom's club.. All theses things you learn and experience that probably few moms escape.. And if they did, something was probably wrong! But it's these things that make us who we are and I wouldn't trade any of it :) Big hug and kiss to You, Mike, Peyton and Drew xoxo
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